My descent into darkness and healing

August 2022, my word fell apart very unexpectedly. My relationship ended and a day later numbness crept up my legs, and I struggled to walk unaided.  I can honestly say, I have never been so scared in my life.

It’s difficult for me to know how much to share, but our life stories and our vulnerabilities are a part of who we are. It’s also the inspiration for redeveloping my website into its current form. So, I’ll share what I feel is relevant and what I am comfortable with, and interwoven in that, my belief in the healing power of travel.

My descent

August 22 my world fell apart very suddenly. Not long after my partner and I had moved our belongings to Italy, to begin a new life in the house we had been lovingly restoring, my partner broke up with me. Unexpected shock rippled through every atom of my being as I began to freefall into disbelief, grief, pain and immense loss.

I thought I had everything figured out – a wonderful man, our shared love of our Italian dream house, freelance work with the ability to travel and good health.

In fact, so was my belief that finally life was working in my favour, I even wrote a book entitled ‘solo travel in a relationship’, sharing my love of travelling alone whilst my loving partner supported my dreams. Little did I know, that as I was putting the finishing touches to my book, my love had grown weary and had begun the heart wrenching process of falling out of love with me. Heart wrenching because I too was the love of his life and as much as it didn’t make sense to me; it also didn’t make sense to him, that his heart had been gradually pulling away…but it had.

Our love story had been beautiful, and I wasn’t prepared for it to end. Little did I know, it was just the beginning of what felt like a never-ending river of tears and the descent into the darkest period of my life.

The following day, I experienced a very strange sensation that began to creep up my legs – a numbness that began in my toes, moved up my left leg, into my pelvis and down my right leg. I then began to lose the feeling in my legs, they felt jelly like and as though the soles of my feet weren’t full connected to the ground. I struggled to walk unaided.

Fear ricochetted through atom of my being.

I was swiftly admitted to the local Italian hospital and was placed on the neurology ward under the care of an English speaking neurologist. You can imagine what was going through my mind…Over a period of five days, I had numerous tests and examinations, including three MRIs of my brain and spine. All of which eventually came back negative, other than the existence of large fibroids in my uterus which I was already aware of.

The feeling gradually returned to my legs and I could walk normally, but my left leg remained numb with a constant feeling of heaviness in my thigh. The neurologist explained that she thought my symptoms might be stress related and that I should work on being relaxed.

Easier said than done, when facing a broken relationship.

After being given the all clear, we returned to the UK to begin our lives…separately.

The neurologist in the UK, also agreed that it was highly probable that my symptoms were stress related and saw no reason why I shouldn’t travel, so being the traveller that I am, I booked a one-way flight to Malaysia, and returned to Penang to a condominium I’d stayed in previously where I knew I would feel calm and safe, have access to a swimming pool, sauna and ocean views – in other words, an atmosphere conducive to relaxation.

Running away or running to…? I feel that fundamentally you take yourself with you wherever you go but stepping away from your everyday surroundings can help shift perspective and open your mind to new ways of thinking. However, at this point, I simply wasn’t ready for my perspective to change.

The next 18 months was both a period of trying to salvage my relationship and trying to find answers for the persisting numbness in my leg. It was a period characterised by grasping. I wasn’t prepared to let go of our relationship and neither did it turn out, was my ex. Our love was deep, and we were prepared to work on it. It would eventually come to a close several months later in the highlands of Sri Lanka.

During this time, I began also to suffer with pressure in my lower back, sporadic numbness in my arms and face, and digestive issues. I felt like my body was body attacking itself from within, and the more fearful I became, the worse my symptoms were.

I was desperate for a diagnosis.

I hadn’t yet learnt perhaps one of life’s most valuable lessons – the importance of letting go, of surrendering to what is…I remember a friend during my initial few months in Malaysia came to stay with me, she said – you need to accept that this is your body right now Jenny. I felt angry by her words, there was no way I was accepting my body the way it was. It was preventing me from doing the things I loved like hiking long distance and swimming, but in hindsight she was right.

Oh, how I tried to get a diagnosis. I tried and I tried to find answers with dogged determination.

I discovered that the private healthcare systems in Malaysia and then later in Sri Lanka (where I went after a three month stint in Thailand and five months back in the UK) are highly efficient and reasonably priced. Whilst I waited several months for appointments/test results on the NHS in the UK, I’d booked appointments with specialists and got fresh MRIs and tests within the day in both Malaysia and Sri Lanka. 

I saw doctor after doctor. I prayed that, the next one I would see would give me a clear diagnosis. And despite, devouring books and podcasts on the impact of trauma on the body, I simply couldn’t accept that what was happening to me, was a result of stress. Yes, my symptoms were definitely worse when I became anxious, but I didn’t believe stress was the root cause.

But time and time again, results came back negative other than the persistence of very large fibroids in my womb.

Finally on the advice of three gynaecologists in the UK and two in Sri Lanka, I opted for a hysterectomy. A decision, I didn’t take lightly but there was some indication that perhaps the large masses in my uterus were causing the pressure on my lower spine and chronic constipation…and I was at a point of desperation. I felt that at least if I got those out of the way, I could see what I was left with.

Unfortunately, the hysterectomy didn’t ease my symptoms.

I continued to descend into what was the darkest period of my life.

I thought I’d had bouts of depression in the past and knew what it was – I’d left a twenty year marriage at 40, struggled with money etc – but this was on another level entirely. Darkness reached into every part of my being, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I was completely and utterly lost. There didn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel and reassurance from friends and family seemed meaningless. I felt like I was in a deep pit, scrabbling around in the mud, with no way out, and every clumsy attempt to inch my way out resulted in a further descent. I felt that this was who I was now. This was my new identity. I would never emerge.

I was so unbelievably scared.

It wasn’t until, my ex-partner, finally drew our relationship to a close fully, that I began to see tiny slithers of light.

I was in the sublime highlands of Sri Lanka, in a beautiful restorative sanctuary of peace aptly named ‘Happy Stones’ and I was truly broken. I had nothing left inside of me. I was exhausted. I could no longer fight – not for my relationship, nor my health.

I gave in.

And from somewhere very deep within, tiny glimmers of peace started to form, subtle, almost non-existent, but they were there.

But first, I gave in to rage – anger pulsated through me in a manner I’ve never experienced before. I was in the wilderness, shielded by the wisdom of trees and only monkeys to hear me. I shouted, I screamed, I howled – I let the boiling rage that I’d contained within for months, if not years, flood out. I have a real difficulty expressing anger and rarely do so and this felt like a lifetime’s release of repressed anger.

When I was done (it took a few days), I knew it was time to begin the journey into healing.

In the midst of nature and bird song, I began a twice daily schedule of yoga, chi kung, mantra and breathing. Throughout the day, whether I was working, eating, going for a walk…I was vigilant of my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want the repetitive loops of negatively, as soon as something popped in my mind that pulled me down, I stopped what I was doing and either said a mantra or gave my thoughts space to drop away. I make this sound easy, it wasn’t and I often failed and crept back to my bed to cry, but I was determined.

I discovered that for all my years of ‘trying’ to meditate – when you are really desperate to climb out of darkness and to keep negative thoughts from invading your mind – meditation and being present become a much needed cosy refuge.

That was the beginning for me. The beginning of softening and opening my heart back to myself. It would take many more months, of properly caring for myself – mind, body and spirit, to really start healing and in tiny incremental baby steps, but I was finally on the path…

At a crossroads

A month later, I was back in the UK and I found myself at a crossroads. I was delicate – emotionally and physically. I wanted to be around friends and family, and I craved safety, and therefore the logical answer was to stay in the UK.

Did I find a new place to live in the UK? I couldn’t afford to buy, so I would be faced with extortionate rentals which would probably curtail any ability to travel. I toyed with the idea of buying a narrowboat, my son lives on one and the lifestyle appealed to me, but the thought of a British winter on a narrowboat certainly didn’t!

Or did I continue to be nomadic? I had been for the lasts two years and yet it hadn’t really seemed like a choice, more a state of drifting.

The answer came from a final trip to my neurologist. He said that I would be surprised by how many people live with neurological conditions that have no clear physical cause. In no uncertain words, he said the best advice he could give me was to relax. Mirroring the words of my first Italian consultant.

I then thought about the words of Dr.Gabor Mate, world renowned expert on the effects of stress and trauma on the body. He states that healing occurs when we embrace the 4 As – authenticity, agency, anger and acceptance.

When we are truly fully ourselves, have the freedom to make choices that are right for us, can express anger when anger needs to be expressed and are able to accept where we are currently at physically, mentally and emotionally…that’s when healing is more likely to happen.

And so I made the decision to accept my body as it is right now and to begin living a life in flow. To finally begin listening to exactly what my mind, body and soul needs and make choices based on those needs. To nourish myself fully.

I chose to be nomadic – to feel the expansive wings of freedom, to live fully, to immerse myself in places that nourish my whole being and to remember how alive I am every single day.

Making this decision feels like a yes to life.

It’s time for me to let the doors open wide.

Every wound is a door. Every tear of heartbreak is a glimmer of light. Every day my body says no, my heart finds new ways to relax and soften.

‘We may not be responsible for the way the world creates our mind, but we can learn to take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.’ Dr. Gabor Mate

What do I mean by nomadic?

My nomadism, isn’t about dotting about all over the globe and I don’t spend my whole time out of the UK, being nomadic simply means I move around. I go where feels right, usually spending at least three months in a country. I generally spend spring and summer in the UK to be with family and friends.

Re-developing Orchids to Olives

I began this website in 2020 and then abandoned it as my life collapsed in a heap.   I decided September 2024 to redesign and revitalise it, in line with where my life is taking me and with a new perspective. Some of my older blog posts do not feel relevant to where I am now, but I’ve kept most of them as part of my journey.

I want Orchids to Olives to evolve into a website inspiring travel experience shaped around health, wellbeing and healing, and also an environment where imperfections and challenges show us the way.

A note on my book

A note on my book ‘Solo Travel in a Relationship’ – I felt for quite a long time that I should unpublish my book. I felt quite a lot of shame centred around ‘failing’ the very thing I had written so passionately about, and it was not only a book to guide women in relationships to travel solo, but also a testament of my love for my partner. However, now I realise, that everything within it stands true and I have no reason to feel embarrassed. I’ve learnt my own lessons from writing it. My relationship didn’t work out, but I am still proud of myself for writing it and should I have another relationship and have the desire to roam solo, I would.

Ram Dass words of wisdom:

First rule: Listen to your inner voice.

Second rule: be honest with yourself.

The predicament is that you listen to your inner voice, and it leads you to a path, and then you outgrow it. And you don’t want to admit you’ve outgrown it, because you’ve made a big investment in it.

But you must be willing to let go, to stand as naked as a newborn child, again and again, and again and again.

A partnership of self-discovery, wisdom, healing and friendship