Yes, I’m travelling solo AND I’m in a committed relationship!
‘Let there be space in your togetherness. And lets the winds of the heavens, dance between you.’ Khalil Gibran
Are you tempted by solo travel but feel it’s not for you because you’re in a relationship? You are not alone.
‘Does your partner not mind?’ is a common response when I tell people I am going travelling alone. I explain that he doesn’t. We enter into a conversation about solo travel whereby the person I’m talking to sometimes expresses their own desire to travel solo.
‘So why don’t you?’ I ask.
The usual explanations are: ‘my partner wouldn’t like it’, ‘he’d worry about me too much’ and even ‘he wouldn’t let me’! These responses are not rare exceptions. I have come to realise after many interactions with women of all ages that they are very much the norm. And yet, when I hear them, I can’t help but be surprised. These beautiful, intelligent, independent women, who embrace equality in all aspects of life, feel solo travel is off bounds because they are in a committed relationship.
Who am I to comment on this? Who am I to question women who have the desire to experience solo travel but don’t pop on their travelling flip flops because they are in a relationship?
I guess because after spending time in relationship camps where I have raised the white flag and surrendered my own needs and dreams, I’m passionate about encouraging women to get out there and travel solo if that’s something they desire.
There are so many fabulous benefits on both on a personal and relationship level, that I just have to write about them! (click here to skip straight to the benefits!)
But before we look at the benefits, I guess the BIG question is:
Why is it regarded as pretty cool to travel solo if you’re single, but not if you’re in a relationship?
It seems to come down to the notion that when we enter into a relationship, two halves magically create a whole, and with it the amalgamation of each partner’s core values, needs and dreams. We are bombarded with the idealistic concept of finding the perfect partner – the one that meets all our needs, the one that feels like our other half, our soul mate.
We see it played out time and time again from Hollywood to Bollywood – two people fall in love, create the perfect bond and live happily ever after. The language of ‘oneness’ to describe love and relationships is deeply ingrained in our psyche. It permeates art, music and books and can be traced back as far as the myths of ancient Greece; and let’s not forget St Valentine’s day where cards and hearts are adorned with declarations of ‘to my other half’, ‘you make me whole’, ‘you’re my everything’.
To add to this, many mainstream films that depict women who travel solo follow one of two scenarios, the first is personal tragedy followed by travel and the second is relationship problems/divorce followed by travel.
Therefore, it’s perhaps not so surprising that eyebrows are raised and partners question why their loved ones should want to suddenly venture forth alone, and why this may perpetuate or give rise to feelings of insecurity.
The idea of finding our perfect fit is beautiful, and there’s no denying the universal feeling of wholeness that comes from falling in love, but any relationships is only as good as the relationship you have with yourself. If you are unfulfilled or you simply crave adventure, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone dissatisfaction and resentment can seep in and taint the happiest of relationships.
Anais Nin declares ‘Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not our dream, but a human being with flaws’.
To me, the myth that one person can fulfil our every need, is just that, a myth. One that is easy to believe in when you are in the blossoming stages of a new relationships, but very difficult to maintain in the long run; hence why some relationships don’t work out and why the cycle begins again.
Before my current relationship, I had been happily single for a few years and not looking for a partner. It was a challenge for me to step into that relationship arena again. I worried a great deal (and I mean a great deal) about what it might do to my treasured independence and travelling spirit if I began a new relationship. I worried that by committing, I would be compelled to follow the myth and I knew that I didn’t want to.
It took me a while to figure out that I could still be me, do all that I love and be in a relationship. I am so grateful that from the beginning Scott understood my passion for travel and entered into the relationship with open eyes and an open heart, and a desire to learn, deconstruct and reflect on his own preconceived relationships ideals. Through communication and honesty, he helped me understand that real love emerges from a place of support, trust and honouring each other’s deepest values and needs.
It’s also important to add that this was not a straightforward and easy journey for Scott. He had to work through his own insecurities, so that he could figure out this kooky lady!
Nothing in life that challenges our institutionalised views is easy, whether it’s relationships, a way of being or the work you do; but you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to follow your dreams.
Ultimately, it comes down to equality, balance and communication.
Having now experienced travelling solo as a single woman and now as a loved-up woman, I recognise the many wonderful benefits of relationship solo travel:
Solo Travel & Relationship Benefits
There are a wealth of benefits to you both as a couple:
- Feeling supported – to feel that your partner supports your personal passions and dreams, needs and values is a beautiful feeling and opens the corridor for deep love to flow and flourish.
- Trust – there’s nothing worse for a relationship when trust departs, it leads to jealousy, negative projections and resentment. Yet when both partners trust each other implicitly, a deep sense of security arises enabling both to move confidently through life as individuals.
- Missing each other –the time old saying ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ rings true, there really is nothing like really missing somebody to make you fully appreciate them!
- Intimacy – time apart requires imagination, a sense of adventure and the ability to laugh at yourself. Maintaining an intimate relationship with your loved one whilst 1000s of miles apart can further deepen your bond, trust and fuel desire.
- Talking – one of the absolute treasures of being away from a partner is the renewed pleasure of talking on the phone. We are so fortunate these days that we have so many methods of instant communication. However, there is something magical and timeless about arranging to call at a specific time, especially if you’re in different time zones. Waiting for the sound of your phone to ring, knowing that a long lingering conversation with your loved one will ensue is very special.
- Letter writing /emails – let’s face it how often do you normally take the time to write to your loved one and tell them how you feel? Apart from short texts, probably not very often, if at all. Writing and expressing yourself by letter (or more likely email) is always appreciated and deepens relationships.
- The excitement of returning – as the aeroplane lands, it’s as though I am waiting to see my lover for the first time again. I feel a rush of emotions – excitement, happiness and nervousness before I see him, and then great relief and a sense of home when I return to his arms. If I could bottle that feeling and sell it, I would be very rich!
Solo Travel & Personal Benefits
Let’s not also forget the very many personal benefits gained from a solo adventure:
- Solitude and Personal Growth – we live in a world that demands a lot of us, from our jobs, our families and even our social life. Travelling solo offers us as individuals an opportunity for some peace and self-reflection. It allows us to step away from normality and to nourish our souls.
- It provides introverts with quality ‘me time‘ – I’ve written about travelling solo as an introvert in detail another post. Travelling solo as an introvert in a relationship offers the perfect expanse of solitude that many introverts crave.
- The experience of a location – travelling solo opens your senses to the vast array of life around you. You can’t help but be more aware of your surroundings when you’re on your own. It’s far easier to melt into your surroundings and experience the location as a participant, rather than simply a voyeur.
- Not on the ‘lookout’ and feeling free – when I first travelled solo in a relationship, I was met by an unexpected realisation. Unlike my former single self, I was no longer on the lookout for Mr Right. Yes, I know, I know…as a single independent woman I shouldn’t have been eyeing up every wandering Romeo! But, I’m afraid to say ladies, I was never too many steps away from wondering if the next man I met might be ‘the one’, or at the very least, the one up for a little romantic dalliance. It goes without saying that I am no longer ‘looking’ but what I didn’t expect to feel was the immense sense of inner freedom. This may seem like a contradiction, surely being single feels freer? But no, for me, knowing that I am in a committed relationship has given me the emotional freedom to really just experience the life that is in front of me to its fullest.
- Independence and confidence – there’s a great sense of achievement knowing that you can figure things out by yourself.
- Meet new people – when we travel with others it’s much harder to meet new people. One of the absolute delights of travelling solo is the chance friendships along the way.
- Money and location preferences– if you are part of a couple and you both have competing location desires, it makes sense financially to holiday separately once in a while. Perhaps your beloved craves museums and art galleries in Florence, whilst you crave sandy beaches. Well, trot off by yourselves my dears.
- Logistics – it may simply not be possible for you both to travel at the same time due to jobs other commitments. This is especially true for people that come together with children from another relationship. My son is in his 20s, and yet my partner’s daughter is in her early teens; therefore, it just simply isn’t possible for my partner to jet off when he feels.
On Marriage by Khalil Gibran
Let there be space in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens, dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cups, but drink not from one cup. (an excerpt - full version here)
Buy The Book: Solo Travel in a Relationship
If you enjoyed this blog post, I think you will love my book!
It confronts some of the common challenges faced by women in relationships when contemplating their first solo journey and provides strategies on how to overcome them, including:
- How to transform self-doubt
- Advice on broaching the subject with your partner
- How to reduce your partner’s fears
- Strategies for thriving as a solo traveller
Available as paperback and eBook from:
If you feel inspired by this post, you may also like:
Holly Worton’s ‘Into the Woods‘ Podcast.
More posts related to solo travel:
Married, Solo Travel & Reimagining Bucket Lists: An Interview with Tracy from Travel Bug Tonic
Update October 2024: Shortly following the release of my book, my relationship came to an end . You can read the story here: My descent into darkness and healing
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What a lovely read. So much about it resonates with me. My husband and I are at an awkward place in our lives with our kids grown and on their own, and we have been spending more time independently to pursue our different interests. We both have taken solo trips. I really love traveling solo. You are so right about the benefits. And I loved the poem.
Thanks for reading Dana! That’s great to hear that it resonates with you. Yes, I love that poem too, it’s one of my favourite relationship poems…