Embracing 60 – Solo Hiker, Traveller, Wild Water Swimmer & Empty Nester: An Interview with Hilary Straw
This interview includes:
The emotional transition of being an empty-nester
Embracing freedom and taking on new challenges
The joy of traveling with grown up sons
Long Distance Hiking
Wild Swimming
Do you ever wonder what you’ll be like as you hit those big birthdays 40, 50, 60…?
I think in a way it’s inevitable. Approaching milestone birthdays, causes us to reflect on where life has taken us in the previous decade and at the same time ponder as to how we want our lives to be in the up-and-coming years. It can often be a time of making big life changes, as we become more aware of our limited time on the planet or simply a time for subtle reshaping.
Certainly, I have spent the last few years wondering what my 50 year old self would be like and being only one year away, I guess I’m gaining an inkling, but with menopause just around the corner it certainly seems like new territory. I also remember that in the years leading up to my 40th, I was so intent on being the 40 year old I wanted to be that I made huge life changes to ensure my 40s would reflect the person I am, rather than the person I had become.
In many respects, I like to see each new decade as a new adventure ready to be explore.
When I look to ahead to 60, I look to all the women who are wholly themselves, living meaningful lives, full of vitality and health. Hilary, from Hils Hols, is a perfect example of one such woman.
I met Hilary over Instagram and admired her zest for life. She’s a lover of solo travel, long distance hiking, music and wild swimming, and quite frankly I was shocked when I found out she was edging towards 60.
We bonded over our mutual travel interests and met up not so long ago in London, where we chatted away to our hearts content! During that chat I learnt that Hilary had recently become an empty-nester and was emotionally up and down with the transition (something I think most mums can relate to) but at the same time she had lots of new adventures on the horizon to make the most of her new found freedom.
I was delighted when Hilary agreed to an interview and what follows is a very honest reflection on the emotional challenges that come when your children fly the nest combined with the excitement of starting a new chapter in life.
An Interview with Hilary from Hils Hols
From your Instagram posts and blog ‘Hils Hols’, I get the impression that you have gained a new lease of life and sense of freedom as you recently became an empty nester. How does this feel? And how has this affected how you spend your time?
My sons leaving home has produced mixed emotions for me. Some of them were unexpected.
To put it in perspective I need to go back a bit. My ex-husband and I split up 12 years ago. We agreed to care for our sons jointly so they were with each of us 50% of the time. For me, after feeling trapped and unhappy in my marriage, this gave me back a certain amount of freedom. When my sons were with their father I re-kindled my passions for travel and long distance hiking. I went on trips to Italy, India and Morocco. I went skiing several times. I went on yoga and meditation retreats. I walked the whole of the South West Coast path. So, I wasn’t exactly constrained!
But, at the same time, there were many restrictions. I had to be at home in term time to look after my sons and I was working as a teacher, so I had an inflexible timetable with a demanding workload and high stress levels.
The first step in regaining my freedom was giving up my teaching job. After the pandemic I decided to take early retirement. Since then I have done more travelling, more walking, taken up wild swimming, said yes to any musical performing opportunities (I play the oboe). My eldest son had moved to London by this time, but my youngest was still at home so I needed to be with him to support him through his A Levels.
The second step happened last October when the youngest caught a flight to Melbourne to start his gap year in Australia and Asia.
So, that was it. I was completely alone after 21 years of parenting. I expected to be fine. After all I was an independent woman who had always spent time without my sons, doing my own thing. I thought I would be happy to be free of the responsibility of taking care of others. I felt prepared and assumed I would be relieved to finally be able to do exactly as I wanted.
I was not prepared for the emotions that followed and it took me completely by surprise. I felt a tremendous sense of loss. I felt sad and empty. I kept walking into my son’s bedroom and wishing he was there, sitting on his bed. I missed his mess and his loud stomping on the stairs. But most of all I missed his humour. He made me laugh every day. Suddenly everything was so quiet.
So how did I spend my time after this momentous change? Well, I had no deadlines to adhere to. No food shopping and meals to cook at particular times. The days seemed longer. I set myself goals to do each day – a long walk, some oboe practice, reading, work, meeting friends. I didn’t often stick to them and would sometimes beat myself up for being unproductive. I generally felt a lack of purpose. I had longed for this freedom after years of the rigidity of being a teacher. Once I had it I didn’t know what to do with it!
I started to realise that this was a time of transition and I had to allow myself to feel a bit lost. It was an understandable reaction after working hard and looking after others for so long. It wasn’t a reaction I expected but once I had accepted it I started to feel better and more able to make plans.
As we travellers often do in challenging times, I decided to book a trip over Christmas. I got a one way ticket to Croatia with a view to then getting a train to Slovenia. I’m normally a planner but just wanted to go with the flow on this occasion and see where it took me.
The trip turned out to be a turning point for me. I spent much of the time alone but that is what I needed. My eldest son came to visit for Christmas, which was lovely. Then I moved to Ljubljana and Trieste before I had decided I wanted to return home.
The time away allowed me to process my feelings about my sons leaving home. I started to accept the end of my hands-on contribution as a mother. I began to let go of the desire to control them or even be in regular contact with them. I realised the necessity of allowing them to get on with their own lives in their own way. I will of course always be there for them if they need me. I do speak to them regularly, but I have learned to let go. Now I can start the new chapter of the rest of my life.
And that is so exciting. There are so many things I want to do and I don’t know where to start!
This year I am going skiing in France, spending a month in Asia and walking Offa’s Dyke with a friend. I also hope to do a solo long distance hike.
I feel like doing something bigger, though and my latest idea is to rent my house out for 6 months to a year, become a nomad and see where it takes me. So I am now embracing the freedom, churning over ideas and planning a big adventure later in the year.
I love that like me, you make opportunities for your sons to join you on your travel adventures. Can you tell me more about this and how you feel it benefits your relationship? Do you have any trips to look forward to, I know one of your sons is currently travelling himself?
I remember very clearly the first trip I went on with my sons after my marriage broke down. I wanted it to be easy and a rest for me, so I booked an all inclusive trip to a hotel in Rhodes. The boys were 11 and 8. It was fabulous. I could sit on my sunbed all day and ask the boys to go and get me a drink, an ice cream, a plate of food, whatever took my fancy. They had a lot of freedom as it was a safe environment and they loved the swimming and the water slides. We became closer as I was on my own with them. It was the first of many adventures for the three of us together.
Since that first trip I have taken the boys all over, from the Lake District in the UK to Greece (several times), Malta, Singapore, Bali, Malaysia and most recently Costa Rica. We have so many fantastic memories together and often reminisce about the experiences and activities we did on the trips.
On the trips we all learned to compromise. Things are different when you are away and we had to make decisions about the accommodation we chose, the meals we ate, the places we visited and the activities we did. We have so many stories about all of these. Travel is a great way to open your mind and to give you perspective on life. My sons have both developed confidence and a sense of adventure from having these experiences. Sometimes I worry they have too much confidence, especially when it comes to high adrenaline sports! But at the same time they learn to weigh up risk and decide for themselves. On our trips Max was the one who always directed us superbly to where we wanted to go with his amazing map reading skills and sense of direction. Leo had the tech knowledge and worked out how to get a SIM card and where to go for the best WIFI speeds – all very useful.
I found our relationship as a family to be much more harmonious when we were travelling than at home! Every day was an adventure – we saw new things, chatted to new people, tried new activities, ate unfamiliar food, got lost, got ripped off – all life experiences that help us grow. There were, of course, moments when we argued, one of us was moody, someone got sick or we disagreed on something, but these were usually short lived. The overriding memories I have are of laughter, excitement and awe. It wasn’t always plain sailing, but all three of us were expanding our horizons, learning about unfamiliar cultures and spending quality time as a family.
Max has now taken off travelling on his own. He is on a gap year before he starts university and is currently in Laos. At the end of this month I am travelling to Vietnam to meet him. Can’t wait!
You’re clearly passionate about long distance hiking both solo and with friends. I loved reading about your recent West Highland Way hike with your friend and before that your solo hike on the Cleveland Way. Do you get something different out of hiking solo as opposed to hiking with company?
Yes, they are very different experiences. Whilst walking alone I notice so much more. I hear the birds, the wind, notice more landmarks. I see everything more clearly and am able to stop and take it all in. On the Cleveland Way there were some great open spaces on the North Yorks Moor where I was completely alone. This feeling of endless space in such a vast landscape made me feel tiny. I loved being immersed in that scene. I felt part of something greater and it put the small niggles of daily life into perspective. You can read about my Cleveland Way solo hike here.
I also get into a kind of meditative state when I walk alone. Watching and listening to the rhythm of my feet walking, listening to the swishing of the fabric on my jacket as my arms swing, focussing on the sounds around me. On a multi-day hike, this becomes a daily ritual and is so rewarding. When walking with others these small details can pass you by.
Another benefit of walking alone is that you become more open to opportunities of meeting people. On a long distance trail most people are following the same route and staying in similar places. I met some great people on the Cleveland Way and had companions to share an evening meal and a night in the pub with. This is also very true of solo travelling.
My most recent long distance hike was the West Highland Way which I did with a friend. The friend I went with also likes hiking alone, so although we shared accommodation and were together most of the time, there were parts of each day where we walked alone. We would walk at our own pace and meet up for a lunch stop. In a way this was a perfect way to do it. We could share the accommodation costs, have company in the evenings, but still have that alone time to get lost in the awe and wonder of the stunning mountains of Scotland.
We also met many lovely hikers on the WHW from all over the world. It was great to see people exploring our wonderful UK once again. There were people from France, Germany, Israel, USA, Australia. We Brits were in a minority! On this type of hike everyone is working towards the same goal. This means that there’s a level of understanding between you and you have a similar outlook on life, so the conversations flow. You can read about my West Highland Way adventure here.
If you are hiking with a friend I think it is important to choose wisely who you go with. It’s a good idea to have an honest conversation before you go about what each of you want to get out of it. On any trip, whether hiking or travelling, I discuss with any companion my need to spend some of the time alone. It is not a reflection on their company, just that I am an introvert and gain energy from spending time alone. I love sharing experiences with others too. My friends understand and respect this as I would respect any requests that they made on me.
I actually went on a 14 mile hike with a friend yesterday. We spent the first hour or two chatting continuously and not really taking in our surroundings. After that we started to be more observant of the environment. We noticed birds, the lapping of the sea, the cold wind, the amazingly blue sky and we started to talk about this. Later on we talked about how grateful we were to live in such a scenic part of the country and to have the time and freedom to get out into nature. This often happens when you walk with others. You start with chit chat and as you get deeper into the walk and into nature, the conversation changes to bigger issues. Walking and being in nature works its magic subtly.
To conclude, I get something out of every walk, however short or long, whether I am alone or in company. I always come home feeling fit from the exercise, grateful for nature and somehow changed.
I love to go on walks by myself and have done some one day hikes both in the UK and abroad, but the thought of a multiday long distance hike is something that scares me a bit. What tips would you have for someone thinking about doing a long-distance hike solo for the first time?
Walking a multi day hike is really no scarier than a one day hike. It all depends on the terrain. It takes a lot more planning, but doesn’t need to be scary! I would recommend that several one day hikes is a good place to start. Then you could build it up gradually. Do a weekend away, then increase to 3-4 days, then a week etc.
There are many things to consider when planning the trip. How many miles can you walk each day? What kind of accommodation do you want to stay in? How will you get to the beginning of the trail and get home at the end? Do you want to carry all your things or get a baggage transfer service?
I planned all my trips myself as I actually love holiday planning and wanted to do it as cheaply as possible. If that’s not something you enjoy or don’t know where to start there are several holiday companies that will do it all for you. You can do a solo trip, but with the security of knowing they will take care of everything – accommodation, moving your bag to the next place, maps and guides, taxis etc.
It all depends on the person. I am very independent and like to do it my way. I plan the route based on the daily mileage (I average around 12, but it has been anything from 8 to 19!) I then book my accommodation. I put it all on a spreadsheet! I work out the logistics of getting there and getting home. I carry all my kit with me each day, but over the years I have become quite skilled at packing only the absolute essentials to keep the weight down.
Each walk varies enormously so for a first timer to feel safe, you could pick a multi day hike that is reasonably easy in terms of terrain and never too far from civilisation. Out of the national trails in the UK, The Ridgeway, is a good one for this. It is 87 miles through the heart of England. You can do it in about a week at a slowish pace. It follows an ancient road and doesn’t have any challenging climbs or scary drops. There are plenty of pretty towns and villages along the way and you could always stop and find transport if you needed to. This would be a good one to get your confidence. You can read about my experience of this walk here.
My first multi day hike was the South West Coast Path and on the first day we walked along a vertigo-inducing narrow path with a steep drop into the sea. I was petrified, but managed it with the help of my unflappable friend. So, I probably wouldn’t recommend that as a first! As we walked more and more of this path my fear of heights, although still there, didn’t create the same shaky physical reaction it had at the beginning.
My first solo multi day hike was the Cleveland Way. By this time I had finished the South West Coast Path so I was more than ready to walk 110 miles on my own. This had some very hilly stretches and open moorland and beautiful coastal stretches. I loved it.
My biggest tip though is to make a decision to do it and do one thing to get the ball rolling, eg put the date in your calendar, book the first night’s accommodation, pay for the train. Once you have made the first step you are much less likely to change your mind and it will become a reality. Also tell lots of people you are going. That makes it harder to pull out. I know I’m a procrastinator and taking the first step is the hardest part. However, if I have made a financial commitment and paid for something, I never want to waste money, so I will always follow it through!
Do you have any hikes planned for the future?
I am hoping to hike Offa’s Dyke in May with the same friend I hiked the West Highland Way with as it worked so well. I also want to do a solo hike later in the year, but I haven’t decided on which one yet. Maybe that will be the one that I get brave enough to camp ……
On your Instagram you list cold water swimming as one of things you love to do. I have to say as much as I can manage a dip in the sea perhaps in the autumn, the thought of it in the winter isn’t that appealing. What do you love about cold water swimming?
I’m not sure I would say I love it, as it is tough to do. But it certainly is a rewarding and mood altering experience. The main reason I do it is because I think it is good for me to get out of my comfort zone and to do something hard. I never feel like doing it. I often get to the beach, sit on a bench and stare at the sea for a considerable length of time before actually going in. In the winter it really is only a dip, but it forces me to stop for a few minutes and get completely out of my normal habits. It flips my head and changes my mindset.
It can take your troubles away in an instant as you are only focussed on the cold and noticing how your body is adjusting to it. There have been studies that have shown that cold water immersion increases levels of dopamine which in turn decreases any tension, fatigue or negative states. So it generally increases your sense of wellbeing and makes you feel strong and resilient.
Every time is hard, but I always feel better afterwards. It is an activity I always do with a friend for accountability and encouragement. There is an element of danger if you stay in too long so it’s also a good idea to have company for safety reasons.
You recently turned 60! I honestly can’t believe that, as you look amazing! What’s your secret :)?
That’s very kind of you to say so. I can’t quite believe I have reached this milestone, but it has made me feel that I need to do the things I want to do more urgently than ever.
I think I have always had a zest for life and I’m not afraid to try new things and to get out of my comfort zone. If I have been unhappy in any aspect of my life, I have had the strength to change it. I am active, try to walk every day, practise yoga, meet friends, and play music. I think having a fulfilling social life, a varied selection of interests, a sense of adventure and curiosity helps keep you healthy and young at heart.
There is still a lot of travelling I hope to do and many more trails to walk so I’ll keep going as long as I can. Now that I’m semi-retired, no longer have parenting responsibilities and have a more flexible work situation, I should be able to do this more often. I also think it’s good for you to try new things. This year for me it’s going to be kayaking.
I’m so grateful for my health and fitness and to have the means to go on adventures. Long may they continue!
To learn more about Hilary, you can find her at Hils Hols blog & her Instagram.
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