51 and Consciously Single

I made the decision to be consciously single.

This was not an overnight decision, more of a slow dawning. A slow creeping awareness that this was the time in my life to be alone.

A time to discover me and embrace freedom with wide open arms.

A time to heal fully and put emotional stability first.

In this post I’ll tell you:

• why I’ve decided to be consciously single
• the benefits I’m discovering of being single in my 50s.

If you don’t want to read my ramblings; in brief, here are some of the benefits I’ve discovered so far:

• space for personal exploration
• growing self-awareness
• mental and emotional stability
• appreciation of the simple, small and everyday
• spending quality time with friends and family  
• the ability to craft my life around travel
• embracing a holistic wellbeing approach to life
• learning and taking courses
• building a sustainable travel focused business.

What do I mean by consciously single?

A turning point

For me, this means accepting and embracing being single fully. It means allowing ME to be the focus of my life and consciously letting go of the bubbling and constant undercurrent of needing/wanting to be in a relationship.

Conscious because it feels like a turning point, to a new way of being.

Why have I decided to be consciously single?

A different approach

Following the breakup of my last relationship, I descended into a dark place. This was the relationship that had felt so right, the one I felt I’d waited all my life for so when my ex-partner broke up with me, I was truly broken. It was also accompanied by the sudden emergence of chronic neurological symptoms that affects my legs. And to top it off, I was on cusp of 50 and I had to have a partial hysterectomy. You can read the full story here.

When I hit 40, I embraced it with open arms, 40 felt like a good age but 50…! I felt I should’ve had everything figured out by 50, but the absolute opposite happened. I felt completely and utterly lost – everything that seemed secure had collapsed.

A pit of despair enveloped me and the best way I can describe it as feeling that I had completely lost my identity. Nothing seemed to make sense. I was 50, alone, pre-menopausal and for the first time in my life I had a chronic health condition which completely knocked my confidence.

Following the breakup, I went through several stages – desperation to get my partner back, a vague acceptance that he’s not coming back, acceptance, fantasising about my ideal relationship, thinking I should at least have sex to get over the sex hurdle and to feel wanted – because feeling wanted would make me happy…

To slowly realising that I was playing out an ingrained pattern of behaviour that had followed me for the whole of my adult life.

I’ve always either been in a relationship or had a man in the background, so I’ve never been fully single.  Even when I was single, there was someone to flirt with…the potential of something happening. And that potential gave me the ‘buzz’, something to feel excited about – rather than sitting fully with myself and considering why I perhaps needed that buzz.

Unpicking this, didn’t make me feel immediately better (understanding something doesn’t necessarily make you feel better, without an accompanied change in mindset or behaviour). I still felt lonely, missed my ex-partner, was scared about my health and was worried that no one would love me again…EVER.

But it did make me to start to think that perhaps it was time to try a different approach.

I made three important initial decisions. They were:

• a commitment to healing
• to live in flow
• to get therapy.

A commitment to my healing journey

The first decision I made was a commitment to myself to start the healing process.

I knew that I’d spent the best part of two years in survival mode, simply reacting to whatever was going on, ping ponging around in an attempt to find some solace from the emotional and physical pain I was feeling, and that needed to change.

However, I also knew it wasn’t just about the last two years, I wanted to find freedom from ingrained patterns of conditioned emotional responses built up over many many years.

A decision to live in flow

Intuitive living

The second decision was that I would spend a year living in flow.

What do I mean by living in flow? I mean, embracing change and doing whatever feels right intuitively for my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

No more second guessing, no more trying to figure out what the best option would be, no more clinging to the past – just simply to live in flow with what feels right.

I didn’t quite know what that would look like, or where it would take me – but inside I felt a twinge of something new. As though inside, there was a tiny seed beginning to sprout.

Therapy

self-awareness

I have two types of talking therapy – Compassionate Inquiry and Holistic Counselling. I’ve found both to be immensely beneficial in raising my self-awareness and helping me to understand the impact that my emotions have on my body.

You can read more about the benefits of Compassionate Inquiry and Holistic Counselling here.

Here’s what I’ve learnt about being single so far:

A space to explore me

Disocoering the richness of me

I’d gone through the darkest period of my life. Life had broken down beyond anything I could have imagined. However, what I was beginning to understand was that the breaking down had left a wide-open space for personal discovery and potential personal growth.

As I write this, I am reminded of a quote from ‘Descent and Rising’ by Carly Mountain. A book I would recommend to all women who feel they are falling apart. Carly explains ‘…the fodder of our descents provides the compost from which the richest fruits of our lives can grow. ‘

I could almost feel the moist compost of my soul being tendered and nurturing me back into growth.

A space was opening up and in it I began my exploration. I began filling it with things that felt in align with my soul – slow travel, nurturing wellness experiences, meditation, yoga, friends, learning…

And the more I started to explore and feel the richness of me again, the more I began to ponder on whether I would actually want a relationship (if one were to conveniently knock at my heart door!)

I recently heard Elizabeth Gilbert say something that really resonated with me. She stated, ‘I am greedy for myself’.

Liz, aged 55, who also made the decision to be single 5 years ago after realising her addictive patterns to seeking out love has grown to understand the huge benefits of being alone and has gone on to say  ‘I feel like my 50s are the decade I am giving myself as a gift…I want to pour into myself, my work and my friendships’.

And I have to say, I’m beginning to get you Liz.

I am also greedy for myself and I’m just getting started on the first course!

Travelling, healing and personal growth

leaning into me & branching into life

I knew travelling would be central to living in flow, but what I felt I needed was to spend time in places that would nurture my wellbeing and so I purposefully embarked on journeys that would nourish this, seeking out experiences that would help me to heal and grow.

I believe all journeys are opportunities for self-discovery – they don’t need to be epic travel adventures, it’s often in the small and everyday where subtle shifts of understanding take place; but I believe that wherever you go and whatever you do, when you allow yourself to be open to experience in full and feel what you’re feeling, you become ripe for self-discovery. And that’s a magical place to be.

In many respects, this was not new ground for me. When my first marriage ended aged 40, I felt myself break open in pain and loss, and yet at 40 I had felt much more resilient. My son was still living with me and though difficult, I was excited about entering a new phase of life. My book at the time (there’s always a book that seems to become my bible in times of loss) was ‘Broken Open’ by Elizabeth Lesser and her words guided me towards understanding change and adversity. She wrote ‘the times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us to blossom into who we were meant to be’.

I was also no stranger to solo travel. I’ve been embarking on solo journeys for over 12 years, and I even wrote a book called ‘Solo Travel in a Relationship’ highlighting the value of solo travel for both personal growth and relationship enhancement (which feels slightly ironic now).  However, despite the ground not being new, my travel now feels very different. Now my travel is slow, and my focus is on my holistic wellbeing.

My initial journeys after making the decision to live in flow, took me to Morocco and then back to Sri Lanka for the 6th time!! In each of these places, I relished the opportunity to nurture and delve into myself – I became obsessed with what felt like the healing and revitalising nature of hammams, immersed myself in the aromatic and tasty delights of Moroccan markets and food, surrendered fully to panchakarma at an ayurvedic retreat in Sri Lanka, took long walks on the beach daily, embraced cacao and chanting ceremonies, kayaked on a beautiful tranquil lagoon…

Through my journeys and experiences, I have experienced immense joy, peace, presence and a gradual move towards feeling significantly more grounded.

With each place, I lean more into me and gently branch out into my new life.

Mental and emotional stability

inner peace

The more I encompassed a holistic lifestyle, one that allowed for authenticity, stillness, joy, presence and reflection. The more emotionally balanced I began to feel.

I began to understand how much my nervous system needed it and that for the previous two years I’d been living with a highly dysregulated nervous system. In other words, my body had been in a constant state of stress which led to chronic anxiety, exhaustion, neurological and digestive issues.

As my levels of anxiety began to subside, I became much more aware of unhelpful negative thought loops, that did nothing for me other than create worry, sadness or anxiety. I am now quicker at identifying when my nervous system is out of whack, and I have resources such as breathing techniques, tapping, chanting, somatic yoga and qigong to calm things back down and then my thoughts become much more helpful.

This is incredibly important to me because as soon as my nervous system starts to over react, my neurological issues become almost immediately worse (numbness, burning in my legs and sometimes in my arms and mouth).

The nervous system and intuition

I feel that our nervous system and intuition are closely connected, and I wish I had paid more attention in the past. There have been many times in my life, when my body was informing me that something wasn’t good for me and I rationalised it out and did it anyway, but then discovered later that my intuition knew.

Perhaps you can relate?

As science is now showing, when something perhaps isn’t right for us, our nervous system or that gut feeling tells us so. And gosh, the more I have tuned into my body and what it is telling me, the better I feel my decisions are. When my intuition tells me something isn’t going to be right for me, I’m learning to not do it!

The opposite is also true – when something feels right, my nervous system feels safe, calm, in tune and at peace.

How does this relate to not being in a relationship?

Relationships can of course enhance one’s mental and emotional wellbeing, and mostly my last one did. I felt very safe, secure and seen. However, in hindsight, I realised I entered that relationship with a whole load of baggage, that I had not done the emotional work to clear.

I feel that by using this time in my life, to be alone to work on my emotional wellbeing and truly get to know myself fully can only be a good thing and permeate out into all my relationships, whether that be friendships, family or a future partner.

Also, the river of healing is not a linear neat tick box of ‘to dos’, it’s messy, it’s haphazard – sometimes great boulders appear blocking and stagnating the flow for a while. I’d prefer to have a few less boulders before contemplating merging with someone else’s flow.

I believe I owe it to myself to heal, grow and feel the emotional freedom that comes with that.

Spirituality

connecting the inner & outer

For me ‘spirituality’ is not about worshipping some mystical deity, though ‘spiritual’ practices such as prayer, chanting and rituals can enhance our connection with ourselves, the universe and others. I believe that spirituality is about both turning inwards, exploring self (as I discussed above) and turning outward – connecting with others, nature and the infinite wonder of the incredible universe we live in.

A writer I really like – ‘Yung Pueblo’  puts it perfectly ‘real spirituality is about personal transformation, letting go, healing your mind, developing equanimity, having compassion for yourself and others, and embracing impermanence so that you can be less attached to everything and enjoy inner peace….If you want to be spiritual, turn your attention inward and observe. Self-observation will serve as a catalyst for your evolution’

I regard my spirituality to be at the core of my being.

And the more I learn and feel, the deeper I want to go.

Personal autonomy

freedom

Another delight of being single, is complete personal autonomy. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want! It’s obvious I know, but to really feel this freedom is wonderful.

In the last six months, I have travelled to Morocco and Sri Lanka, redeveloped my website, started a Travel Coaching course with the aim of starting a business, completed Reiki Level 2 and embraced an Eckhart Tolle Teacher of Presence course.

Could these things have happened if I had been in relationship? Yes, probably but my motivation, coupled with a desire to bring about something new into my life may not have happened.

I have found that by having so much space and time has allowed me to just get on with things in my own time and when I feel like it. Sometimes, I can work for hours on something, losing all sense of time and it doesn’t matter because I have don’t have to feel guilty that I am not giving someone else my attention. And, sometimes, I just go to bed at 8.30.

I feel excited to learn new things, go new places, meet new people and do new things.

How great is that?

Focusing on friends and family

being a supportive and compassionate friend

Being single also means I get to focus on friends and family. I have learnt the true value of friends and family in the last couple of years, and I’m not sure how I would have pulled through without them.

I love that now, I can really develop quality time with friends, take trips, make plans and also feel like I can be a supportive and compassionate friend, much more so that in the past and this makes me feel very happy.

Am I choosing to be single because I’m bitter?

letting go of control

As I was writing this, I contemplated whether my conscious decision to be single was because I am bitter and have a strong desire to not be hurt again.

I did go through a bitter stage, but not for long. I’ve learnt many valuable lessons about the process of letting go of someone I love deeply. Too many lessons to delve into here and it’s been incredibly hard, but ultimately, I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how much we may love someone, we cannot control how someone else feels and how they will act. We are only responsible for ourselves and we owe it to ourselves to let go. Clinging to the past version of ourselves is immensely stressful, and it is only through embracing change and entering the flow of life, that the inner mental conflict can begin to subside. Being bitter, only increases negative energy and blocks that flow.

And yes, without a doubt, I am also scared of being hurt again and that’s another reason why this time alone is crucial.

Does this mean I’ll never have a relationship again?

Who knows what the future holds, right?

I plan to live in flow, and if the flow takes me to someone then I’ll see.

Yes – if the right person came a long who had also worked through his own shit and spent some time on his own – not jumping from relationship to relationship without doing the inner work.

And yes, if I can be fully myself with that person.

If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

I’m not going to spend any time worrying about it. Life is much too short.

Why did I write this post?

I’d been considering writing this blog post for a few months. I journal regularly, and the words ‘consciously single’ kept emerging. There was something about writing the words down, that gave me strength and helped me to articulate what was emerging. I went on to write this blog post because it felt like a significant step in my journey.

I have found it to be immensely liberating to simply acknowledge that I am single and committed to my I own healing journey. It feels a weight of some kind has been lifted, and I can simply just be.

I also hope that, if you are on a similar path my words might give some food for thought.

Resources mentioned

I’ve mentioned some truly wonderful resources in this blog, so I thought I’d share them again.

Elizabeth Gilbert

I love Liz Gilbert – her wisdom, her love, her self exploration, her complete honesty and devotion to her art, personal growth and spirituality.

I have read most of her books, but what I have particularly loved and followed for the last year or so is ‘Letters from Love’ on Substack. If you haven’t checked this out, I really recommend you do.

Letters from Love is an online space ‘where people come together to discover their inherent value and exquisite preciousness, and learn to write and speak to themselves from a place of love and friendliness’.

Every Sunday, Liz posts her Letter from Love both in written form and video, and I can honestly say that each and every one of them speaks to the heart and seems to be just want you need to hear!

Yung Pueblo

Yung Pueblo is a meditator and writer who focuses on self-healing, inner work and creating healthy relationships.

He looks so young (no pun on the name intended), but he’s so bloody wise!

His words resonate, talk to the soul and gently guide you into self reflection. I love his Substack – Elevate with Yung Pueblo: Reflections on Personal Transformation and Relationships and his book ‘Lighter‘ is really great. It’s an easier read than say Eckhart Tolle, and he uses his own story of personal challenge to show how he moved through healing and into transformation.

Carly Mountain

Carly Mountain is a writer, psychotherapist and initiatory guide. She helps women, to remember, to reclaim and reconnect with their sensual, emotional and instinctual knowing.

Carly’s book ‘Descent and Rising’ uses the ancient Sumerian myth of the goddess Inanna to map out the universal theme of descending into darkness and rising into new life. She uses both myth and real life women’s stories, to show us that despite the uniqueness of our own journeys, each stage of the descent is universal, and undergone by billions of women for thousands of years. I found this to be immensely reassuring, when nothing in my life seemed to make sense.

Carly writes:

‘When our lives fall apart, we often feel broken, ashamed and deeply alone’

‘The heroines journey is an erotic, mystical initiation that revivifies our place in the shape of things…The fodder of our descents provides the compost from which the richest fruits of our lives can grow. If only we can turn towards our pain and let it work in us’

Elizabeth Lesser

Elizabeth Lessor’s books are life affirming, soul diving, beautiful books that help guide you through the process of change. I first came across her aged 40, when her book ‘Broken Open: how difficult times can help you grow‘ became my go to bible of wisdom that help me through my marriage ending.

She shows how it is possible to deal with fearful change and loss, and be reborn, like the Phoenix, to a more vibrant and enlightened self. She uses the stories of her own life, others and quotations from great poets and philosophers to inspire us to accept the process of change.

‘And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom’ Anais Nin.

Related Posts

My descent into darkness and healing

A Budget Ayurvedic Retreat in Sri Lanka for the Ultimate Detox: Nature Lanka

Happy Stones: unique cottages in Sri Lanka’s sublime hill country

My first public hammam – it was an experience!

Dar Al Hossoun’s earthy Hammam & Spa in Taroudant

If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you. You can drop in a comment, or email me below.

Orchids to Olives

Journeys of self-discovery, wisdom, healing and friendship